Hi,
I'm Alex. Alex the Atheist. I'm kind of new to atheism. I grew up in a very controlling religion, as many of you have. Before I proceed, I need to apologize to AA and NA for satirizing their revered 12-step program to sustained sobriety. I have attended their meetings and respect their mission. You see, like many others with my personality type and zealot background, when I left my faith, my life felt like a freight train leaving the rails. My dependence on alcohol became worse, and I picked up other drug habits to help cover the fact that, shit, I was scared.
Before, my life had meaning, purpose. As a young Jehovah's Witness, I did ALL things for Jehovah. I talked to others, for Jehovah. I was good and moral, for Jehovah. I maintained my virginity up to marriage, for Jehovah. I stayed sober, for Jehovah. But then I went through a series of career, family, and personal setbacks. So I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. I prayed earnestly, I prayed humbly, I rent my clothes and called out to God from a broken heart. But then...........nothing. Something must be wrong. At conventions, I saw others brag about the blessings God poured out on them. What was I doing that was so wrong? I was faithful to my wife, worked hard to support her and my kids. The elders only answer was that maybe I wasn't preaching enough, saving enough souls from Armageddon. So I did that more. Still, one hardship after another.
Finally, I'd had it with Jehovah. I studied other faiths, and the morality was similar, but the point was the same. Show others that we're the best, the holiest, the chosen, so they will know that they need to stand over here, not over there. So I studied philosophy, and realized that the very nature of truth, and ethics and morality had many shades of gray and only mattered to humans anyhow. So I drifted towards agnosticism. I'll just live my life, no one knows anything anyhow. During this time my wife and I decided to try an open marriage. For the first time in our lives we really began to openly explore our sexuality. At the same time I began exploring two things I had been raised to categorically reject, Big Bang physics and Darwinian evolution. Finally there was beauty in the chaos again. Life and the universe itself is an amazing phenomena. To stand enraptured of all its facets in all their glory, this was more amazing and awe-inspiring than anything out of any holy book or pulpit. So I finally found myself without that yearning need for a God. Jehovah didn't need to wipe my runny nose and clean my messes, I was here to experience life, raise my healthy offspring, and stand on my own two feet throughout life's short, sweet adventure.
Except, all those years feeling lost, all that fear and uncertainty, which I could only express as anger, had been working against me. I had found so many escapes along the way. So many drugs, so many lovers, and always the sweet amnesia of alcohol. My marriage on the rocks, I thought my only solace was in my lover. After a two year affair, we tried to make the leap to breaking up our families to make each other happy. I'm sure you can imagine how well that went. In short, she went back home, I fell apart, and my poor wife tried to hold onto me but my habits and turmoil had me in a tailspin. And the whole time my two bright, beautiful children were caught in the maelstrom. I lost my job, went to rehab, and am now looking at losing my house. So here I sit in the personal wreckage that most addicts eventually find themselves in. Addiction is defined as reliance on something outside yourself to make you OK. So, you see, I was raised with an addiction....to God.
I'm starting this blog because I look around and see a lot of people with similar stories to mine. Many are former Jehovah's Witnesses, or ex-Catholics, or ex-Mormons, or ex-Muslims, Mennonites, Orthodox Jews, or what have you. Our stories are similar because we share two main ingredients, 1.) addictive personalities, and 2.) strongly faith-based upbringings. I want to share and hear from you as together we learn that we must take full responsibility of our minds, of our morals, and of our actions. After all, we can't blame it all on a god who died a long, long time ago.
P.S.- I do want to make a personal apology to everyone I've hurt along the way. If you're reading this and you recognize me, feel free to email me any ways I can make amends. Or just bless me out. I'm quite sure I deserve it.
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